The Real Reason You’re Unlucky in Love, According to Science

When figuring out whether a new relationship will work, people tend to focus on a potential partner’s negative traits—even if he or she actually has many positive qualities, according to researched published late last year in Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin but making the rounds now. In fact, just one or two negative qualities can be enough justification to stop seeing that person.

“We have a general tendency to attend more closely to negative information than we do to positive information,” Gregory Webster, one of the study’s authors and an associate professor of psychology at the University of Florida, said in a statement released Monday.

The study, conducted by researchers from the University of Florida, Western Sydney University, Indiana University, Singapore Management University, and Rutgers University, examined information from six independent studies to determine the top relationship deal breakers and the effect they have on the formation of romantic relationships.

The top deal breakers, in no particular order, were unattractiveness, unhealthy lifestyle, undesirable personality traits, differing religious beliefs, limited social status, differing mating strategies, and differing relationship goals.

Interestingly, the findings show that women and people in committed relationships are generally more sensitive to deal breakers than other segments of the population. Friendships, on the other hand, are not as strongly affected by negative traits. But some deal breakers, like dishonesty, are universally avoided.

“Things that can harm are generally more important [to pay attention to] than things that can help you,” Webster said. But it’s important to note that what’s considered a deal breaker for some may be a deal maker for others. For example, some individuals may be attracted to an impulsive person—others will prefer someone more predictable.

The Amazing Side Effects Of Being in Love

Being in love can influence a lot of things in your life.
And apparently, it could have a pretty neat effect on your personality, too. Being in a relationship could help people who are typically more neurotic become more confident and see the world more positively, according to a new study published in the Journal of Personality.

Neuroticism is one of the "Big Five" traits that psychologists use to describe a person's personality. Someone who ranks high in the trait often feels anxious, hostile, or sad, says study author Christine Finn, Ph.D., of Friedrich-Schiller-University Jena. Everyone falls somewhere on the neuroticism continuum, she says.
In the current study, researchers examined 245 couples four times over the course of nine months. The participants, all ages 18 to 30, answered questions about their current relationship and questions to gauge their level of neuroticism.

They were also asked about hypothetical relationship situations, which were meant to gauge if the person had a tendency to interpret ambiguous situations negatively—something that neurotic people tend to do. For example, one question asked participants what they would think if their partner hadn't said "I love you" in a while and made note of how they reacted.

Get this: Levels of neuroticism decreased in participants over the course of nine months. And even though they only decreased a small amount overall, that's because personality traits are pretty stable, and nine months doesn't allow too much time for change, says Finn. Interestingly, some of the people showed larger drops in neuroticism than others, and these people also became less likely to turn ambiguous scenarios into negative ones. Basically, people in relationships were starting to mellow out a bit.

"We found out that being in a relationship may change the way with which neurotic persons perceive the world," says Finn. "That is, when looking through their glasses, the world has become brighter and more positive. And this more positive thinking helps them to overcome their negative feelings and to mature in their personality."

Also neat: Even people who don't rate high for neuroticism can reap some of these benefits from a relationship. "Someone who is already self-confident and feels positive even in stressful situations may become even more positive," says Finn. "One may say that people in general benefit from a relationship but that neurotic persons benefit the most."

Is This Love? Teen Tips for Romance and Dating

Love can take you to new highs -- and new lows. You may have the strongest feelings of your life, which is great when things are good. But if things go bad, it’s devastating. Here are six dating tips to help you keep your head during this exciting time.

Dating Tip 1: Take Your Time

Some teens date, some don’t. “Girls need to feel good about themselves before they start to date,” says Charles Wibbelsman, MD, chief of adolescent medicine at Kaiser Permanente in San Francisco. His advice: only date if you know yourself and know you want to date. If you’re not ready, it’s cool to stay single and hang out with your close friends.

Dating Tip 2: Find Someone Who Likes You Back

Feelings that aren’t returned can make you question everything about yourself. Did you say something wrong? Were you wearing the wrong things? In a healthy relationship, the feelings are mutual. You respect each other and have fun together. If this doesn’t describe your situation, there’s nothing wrong with you, but you probably do need to keep looking.

Dating Tip 3: Know When to Move On

Sometimes you have to admit it, the relationship isn’t working. Maybe the love of your life has turned mean and selfish. Maybe you realize you want something better. “If a boyfriend doesn’t give you what you need, walk away,” says Danielle Greaves, MSW, who works with girls at The Guidance Center in Cambridge, Mass. She tells girls all the time, “It hurts now, but you can get through this.”

Dating Tip 4: Talk About Facebook Before You Talk on Facebook

Social media puts the ups and downs of dating out there for everyone to see. If you like a guy or he likes you, it’s perfectly OK to ask him not to post things about you online, including pictures. Some things don’t have to be shared with the whole world. 

Dating Tip 5: Protect Yourself From Pressure

Pressure is not love, and it’s not even normal. Most teens say they’ve never felt pressured to be in a relationship before they were ready. Still, a little mental preparation never hurts. Decide ahead of time what your values are and how far you want to go. That way, you won’t have to figure it out in the heat of the moment.

Here are a few concrete things you can do to keep yourself out of the pressure chamber:

Avoid situations where a guy might expect more than you want to give.   

Go out with boys close to your age. Girls who go out with older guys are more likely to have sex before they’re ready.

Dating Tip 6: Give Love Time to Grow

Sometimes the idea of love is better than love itself. How do you know if you’re really in love?

If you’re infatuated, need constant reassurance, and have trouble thinking about anything else, these are signs you’re not really in love. It’s fun for now, but in time you’ll probably feel disappointed.   

Mature love grows stronger with time. The more you get to know each other, the stronger your feelings. And you don’t have to be someone you’re not. You like each other for who you truly are. If you’re like most people, finding mature love takes more than one try, but it’s definitely worth it.

will of the wind

Cheating, But Not Leaving : What Do Therapists Say?

Kourtney used to say that if her husband ever cheated on her, she’d “leave him in a heartbeat.” But after she got a hold of her husband’s laptop one night and found eight graphic selfies that another woman had sent to him, things didn't seem so black-and-white. Oh, she was furious about what turned out to be an affair, and even “took the wedding photo off the wall and threw it across the kitchen, and shattered glass went everywhere.” Yet Kourtney, who only wants to use her first name, didn't leave.

 “She  has chosen  to stay.”

Despite all the chatter about the death of monogamy, some couples are deciding to remain married — even after one spouse cheats on the other. According to a recent study by researchers at Indiana University, nearly 1 in 5 women and almost 1 in 4 men in monogamous relationships reported having cheated.

 It’s unclear exactly how many knew that their significant other strayed, though infidelity rates have held fairly steady over time — while divorce rates peaked in the 1980s. These days, couples and therapists say, infidelity is much more survivable than many of us think.

Both partners often show symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder.

As Kourtney discovered, gadgets like smartphones and tablets have certainly made it easier to slip a sexy pic someone’s way and facilitate a steamy affair. But they’ve also made it easier (for some, at least) to find an incriminating email, text message or online dating profile. “It’s not that the affairs happen more or less, but they certainly are uncovered more,” says Jay Lebow, a psychologist and marriage and family therapist at the Family Institute at Northwestern University.

People generally also want to have better relationships, and they tend to talk more about them, Lebow says, so they’re more likely to ask questions if a partner becomes distant. Hence all those questions about that new Facebook friend.

But what happens when someone stays after a loved one strays?

 Both partners often show symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder, says Kristina Coop Gordon, a professor of psychology at the University of Tennessee, who — along with colleagues Donald H. Baucom and Douglas K. Snyder — developed the first empirically tested method for treating couples in this situation.

Betrayed spouses typically experience symptoms common among people who've suffered physical trauma, including flashbacks and numbness, while betrayers may feel anxiety provoked by the thought that they’re not actually the person they thought they were, says Gordon.

What’s realistic is to move to a point where it doesn’t dominate your life …

A growing group of therapists is now working to help couples recognize and process these different feelings when one partner drifts but the couple decides to stick it out together. One change they’ve noticed in recent years is how much people tend to expect from their partners — and how much it can hurt when they learn of their spouse’s cheating ways.

 “We tend to want our partner to be everything — our best friend, our confidant, our lover, our financial partner,” says Elana Katz, a family therapist and senior faculty member at the Ackerman Institute for the Family in New York. But most people have fewer confidants today than they did in the past, and because expectations are higher, when an affair comes to light, it can be very alarming, Katz says.

Gordon and her colleagues focus on getting betrayed partners to forgive — but not necessarily forget. “There’s no way in heck that you will look back on the affair and feel happy about it or even not feel angry about it,” Gordon says.

 “What’s realistic is to move to a point where it doesn’t dominate your life and you don’t hold it over the other person.” She’s also working on a program designed to spark the kind of soul-searching discussions an affair tends to provoke — before an affair ever happens.

Certainly, not everyone can get past an affair. Just ask Katherine Eisold Miller. The New York City-based collaborative divorce attorney estimates that infidelity has been a factor in as many as half of the divorces she has worked on throughout her 28-year career.

Most divorces are difficult, of course, but when one partner has been unfaithful, “there’s an edge in the discussions that wouldn’t otherwise be there,” Miller says.

Holly Sox could have ended up in one of those contentious proceedings. But after discovering that her husband, Mike, had had an affair a few years ago, the South Carolina resident says that a combination of therapy, their faith and advice from couples  helped them build a stronger relationship.

 In fact, they have even renewed their wedding vows. “The worst day I’ve had in the last three years,” says Sox, “is still better than the best day we had before.”

source : OZY.com

The brain may be forgetful because of Alzheimer, but Never the heart

Man with Alzheimers proves the heart always remembers: Melvyn Amrine

Police Found This Alzheimer's Patient Wandering, But What He Was Actually Doing Would make you cry

It's common for husbands to sometimes forget their spouse's birthday or Mother's Day, but when you've been diagnosed with Alzheimer's, it's particularly rough. When you can't remember the name of your loved ones, it's hard to be expected to remember special dates, but sometimes things change.

Melvyn is living with Alzheimer's, but recently he gave his wife the surprise of her life. Go grab a tissue and take a look. This is what happens when love becomes an instinct.

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Love has No Labels

Along with a few tears and gratitude, this video has absolutely made my day…mostly becauses there are people out there doing these incredible kinds of video’s to show how basic and simple love should be.

At the end of the day, we are meant to accept each other, support each other and see nothing but the person for who they are…we are meant to love each other. We are not made to see gender, race, disability, age, religion, or sexuality. This Love Has No Labels campaign was made to challenge us to open our eyes to our bias and prejudice and work to stop it in ourselves, our friends, our families, and our colleagues.

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