Temptation mixed with
opportunity is a recipe for people to stray — especially during difficult or
lonely times in a marriage. Those times can include the aftermath of an affair.
An affair that is
suddenly exposed or ends poses a particular risk situation for a vulnerable
marriage with an unfaithful spouse. Feelings of loss, conflict and pressure can
make it difficult to let go of the illicit relationship, compounding the lure
that led to the affair in the first place.
Effectively establishing
closure with the affair partner — including ceasing all contact — helps guard
against relapse and is an important beginning gesture toward restoring trust in
the marriage. This is not the time to rely on good intentions and discipline
alone.
Affairs
happen in up to 45 percent of marriages. Although often overlooked and
underestimated, opportunity is a primary risk factor. Opportunity
poses the most danger when people:
- are not onto themselves and fail
to accurately assess their vulnerability to acting on temptation;
- fail to consciously register the
potential affair partner’s intentions;
- do not make an explicit decision,
or plan, to protect themselves from acting out.
Taking steps to remove
temptation and close the door securely protects the unfaithful spouse from
continued secret contact during the chaotic transition out of the affair
relationship. The unfaithful spouse not only feels guilty about having the
affair, but often feels torn and guilty about ending the affair relationship.
During the goodbye process, he or she is prone to give the affair partner mixed
signals, even if unconsciously.
The email below was
written by Michael to the “other woman” after he was found out by his wife. See
if you can find the problems in this goodbye email intended to finalize the
affair.
Dear Jane,
I am sorry but I can’t
see you anymore right now. The worst has happened. My wife found out about us
and forbids me to have any more contact with you. I wish things could be
different and that you and I could be together.
I hope you can understand
that I have to try to see if my marriage can work for my kids. I know I can’t
ask you to wait for me though, but who knows what the future will bring? I will
always love you and will hold you in my heart.
If you want to talk, I can try to make that happen so we can say goodbye in person.
If you want to talk, I can try to make that happen so we can say goodbye in person.
Love always,
Michael
Michael
Michael fell into all the
common traps: blaming his wife instead of owning his decision; expressing
longing; wavering; feeding the attachment; failing to align himself with his
wife; failing to set a boundary around his marriage; offering hope and leaving
the door open for continued cheating.
These pitfalls not only
risk Michael’s chances of restoring his marriage, but also lead Jane on, making
it harder for her to let go and recover. Jane predictably read between the
lines, searching for hope and encouragement — and affirmation that this
farewell message was for not for real.
Jane identified the
following traps:
- Can’t– doesn’t take
responsibility and own his decision
- Right now– implies hope
for the future
- The worst has
happened–
reinforces this is not what he wants
- My wife forbids– blames wife,
fails to take responsibility and doesn’t own the ending as his decision
- I wish …– reinforces
desire
- For my kids– fails to show
shift in allegiance to his wife
- Wait for me…who
knows what the future– offers hope
- I will always
love you…–
feeding the attachment
- Talk…in person – opens
the door to temptation and likely acting out
In
ending an affair, the unfaithful spouse often suffers grief, feelings of loss
and preoccupation with the affair partner. These feelings may need to be
processed in the context of therapy where the function
and meaning of the affair can be understood, rather than acted upon. Successful
endings of affairs typically do not involve processing feelings with the affair
partner because the likelihood of doing so will further intensify the
attachment and lead to re-engagement. If there is something else that needs to
be said, it should be with the spouse’s full awareness and consent.
People who have
difficulty emotionally letting go of the affair partner even after having cut
off contact usually are continuing the relationship in their minds through
remembering and fantasizing. Fantasy provides the fuel for affairs — leading up
to them, perpetuating them, and then making it difficult to back away or let
go. Swept away by the addictive, intoxicating power of the “rush,” romantic
fantasy and infatuation is confused with the complexity of intimate
relationships and real life. The failure to believe that one is caught in a
fantasy drives the process, leading to the false belief that this feeling is
sustainable and a rigged comparison with a marital relationship.
The goal of the final communication with the affair partner is to break the cycle of temptation and opportunity by demonstrating a shift in allegiance to the spouse, and dispelling hope that the affair will continue now or in the future. A simple “Dear John or Jane” email is indicated, and should be done with full transparency with one’s spouse. The essential message should be that the affair partner is unwelcome now and that any future attempts to communicate will not get a response. Since this is the point of the email, there is no way to spare Jane from feeling rejected without sabotaging the purpose of the email. Paul’s letter below is an example of good-bye email that effectively delivers the message and functions as a bridge to repair his marriage:
Dear Jane,
I have made a decision. I
want to be with my wife and family. I no longer want to continue our
relationship or keep any secrets from my wife. Everything is out in the open. I
realize now that I used poor judgment in getting involved in this in the first
place and am sorry for that. I plan to get help to understand how I could
betray my own values as well as my family.
I know this is abrupt but
that is the only way. We both knew the risks we were taking. Please respect my
decision to no longer have any contact. I will no longer respond to any email,
text, calls or other attempts to communicate with me.
Paul
Paul’s email anticipates
what might happen. He discourages further reconnection, and sets a firm
boundary to pave the way for a clearing for him and his wife.
Many marriages shattered
by affairs can be repaired and come out stronger, but they only have a chance
once the unfaithful spouse has let go of his attachment to the affair partner.
Predicting and planning for risky situations reduces opportunity and
temptation, and is a good way to protect oneself from becoming overtaken by
feelings and out of control. Defensive strategizing involves being onto
oneself, making intentional decisions to set clear boundaries and limits on
ourselves, and distancing from behaviors and situations that increase risk.
Alternatively, denying
risk, avoiding thoughtful consideration of what’s at stake, minimizing small
boundary infractions, or overestimating one’s resolve all set the stage for an
eventual crash and the possibility of losing it all.
No comments:
Post a Comment