The Difference Between Sex and Love for Men

As a woman with my own personal history of serial monogamy, I have come to realize that some men channel their need for love, intimacy, soothing, care, and comfort into sexual desire.

Here are some examples:

Dylan wants sex when he feels sad because he likes the comfort the physical holding provides. Dylan, like most people, wants to be held when he is sad. In fact, the need to be held when we feel sad is biologically programmed into our brains.

Jonathan wants sex when he’s lonely. He believes it is weak to let someone know that he feels lonely and wants company. Alternatively, he thinks it is acceptable to find and ask for sex, which satisfies his need for human connection.

Sexual excitement is a core emotion. And, as we know from research on emotions, each core emotion has a “program” that has evolved over thousands of years for survival purposes. This “program” causes specific physical sensations and impulses to arise inside us at the moment when a particular emotion is triggered.

Sexual excitement is often physically felt as sensations in the groin area with an impulse to seek orgasmic release. Sadness, anxiety, loneliness, anger, and fear are other emotions that can combine with sexual excitement. The mashup of the tender emotions with sexual excitement is the brilliant way the mind can make sure core human needs are met in consciously covert yet culturally acceptable ways.

Mental health is improved by being in touch with the full range of our core emotions. Therefore, it is in our best interest to know which core emotions are present and driving our desire for sex. Is it pure sexual excitement? Is it a need for comfort? Is it a need for connection?

Knowing the culture of masculinity we live in, it should not come as a surprise that some men feel they have to sublimate tender and “needy” feelings into sexual desire. In the documentary “The Mask We Live In,” filmmaker Jennifer Siebel Newsom follows boys and young men as they struggle to stay true to their authentic selves while negotiating America’s narrow definition of masculinity. If men and boys could own the full range of their emotions, not just anger and sexual excitement, we would see trends in depression  and anxiety decrease.

Here’s why:

When we block our core emotions (sadness, fear, anger) and needs for intimacy (love, companionship, sharing of feelings, closeness) men and women develop symptoms including anxiety, shame, and depression. Symptoms go away when we become reacquainted with our core emotions.

This first step to wellness comes from understanding that it is normal for both men and women to experience sadness, fear, love, anger, and longing for connection both sexual and through talking about our thoughts and feelings with each other. Needs for affection and love are as “masculine” as needs for strength, power, and ambition. Emotions are not for the weak, they are for the human.

Although things are slowly changing, the two main emotions that are most acceptable for men to display are still sexual excitement and anger. The more tender emotions including fear, sadness, love, need, and longing are still considered “unmanly” to express. So it is not surprising that the tender emotions, which have to be expressed in some way, get bound to sexuality. In fact, channeling needs for comfort and soothing into sex is actually a clever compromise. After all, during sex men can unabashedly get held, stroked, kissed, hugged, and loved up all under the acceptable guise of a very manly act — that of sexual prowess. But we can do better by helping to change the culture of masculinity so it is in sync with our biology.

Top Five Things Men and Women Can Do for Men

1. Educate and normalize the scientific fact that we all have the same universal core emotions: sadness, fear, anger, disgust, joy, excitement, and sexual excitement.
2. Inform the men in your life that the need to connect with others and share one’s true feelings and thoughts is normal for all humans, and not specific to sex and gender.
3. Invite the men in your life to share their feelings and thoughts (especially the ones they are ashamed about) while also stressing the point that you will not judge them as weak or feminine for sharing vulnerabilities.
4. Know that humans are complex creatures. We all have weak and strong parts. It’s important to hold all aspects of us simultaneously. That’s the way people feel whole and complete.

 Source : Psychcentral.com

How to Close the Door After an Affair

Temptation mixed with opportunity is a recipe for people to stray — especially during difficult or lonely times in a marriage. Those times can include the aftermath of an affair.

An affair that is suddenly exposed or ends poses a particular risk situation for a vulnerable marriage with an unfaithful spouse. Feelings of loss, conflict and pressure can make it difficult to let go of the illicit relationship, compounding the lure that led to the affair in the first place.

Effectively establishing closure with the affair partner — including ceasing all contact — helps guard against relapse and is an important beginning gesture toward restoring trust in the marriage. This is not the time to rely on good intentions and discipline alone.

Affairs happen in up to 45 percent of marriages. Although often overlooked and underestimated, opportunity is a primary risk factor. Opportunity poses the most danger when people:

• are not onto themselves and fail to accurately assess their vulnerability to acting on temptation;
• fail to consciously register the potential affair partner’s intentions;
• do not make an explicit decision, or plan, to protect themselves from acting out.

Taking steps to remove temptation and close the door securely protects the unfaithful spouse from continued secret contact during the chaotic transition out of the affair relationship. The unfaithful spouse not only feels guilty about having the affair, but often feels torn and guilty about ending the affair relationship. During the goodbye process, he or she is prone to give the affair partner mixed signals, even if unconsciously.

The email below was written by Michael to the “other woman” after he was found out by his wife. See if you can find the problems in this goodbye email intended to finalize the affair.

 Dear Jane,

I am sorry but I can’t see you anymore right now. The worst has happened. My wife found out about us and forbids me to have any more contact with you. I wish things could be different and that you and I could be together.

I hope you can understand that I have to try to see if my marriage can work for my kids. I know I can’t ask you to wait for me though, but who knows what the future will bring? I will always love you and will hold you in my heart.
If you want to talk, I can try to make that happen so we can say goodbye in person.

Love always,
Michael

Michael fell into all the common traps: blaming his wife instead of owning his decision; expressing longing; wavering; feeding the attachment; failing to align himself with his wife; failing to set a boundary around his marriage; offering hope and leaving the door open for continued cheating.

These pitfalls not only risk Michael’s chances of restoring his marriage, but also lead Jane on, making it harder for her to let go and recover. Jane predictably read between the lines, searching for hope and encouragement — and affirmation that this farewell message was for not for real.

Jane identified the following traps:

• Can’t– doesn’t take responsibility and own his decision
• Right now– implies hope for the future
• The worst has happened– reinforces this is not what he wants
• My wife forbids– blames wife, fails to take responsibility and doesn’t own the ending as his decision
• I wish …– reinforces desire
• For my kids– fails to show shift in allegiance to his wife
• Wait for me…who knows what the future– offers hope
• I will always love you…– feeding the attachment
• Talk…in person – opens the door to temptation and likely acting out

In ending an affair, the unfaithful spouse often suffers grief, feelings of loss and preoccupation with the affair partner. These feelings may need to be processed in the context of therapy where the function and meaning of the affair can be understood, rather than acted upon. Successful endings of affairs typically do not involve processing feelings with the affair partner because the likelihood of doing so will further intensify the attachment and lead to re-engagement. If there is something else that needs to be said, it should be with the spouse’s full awareness and consent.

People who have difficulty emotionally letting go of the affair partner even after having cut off contact usually are continuing the relationship in their minds through remembering and fantasizing. Fantasy provides the fuel for affairs — leading up to them, perpetuating them, and then making it difficult to back away or let go. Swept away by the addictive, intoxicating power of the “rush,” romantic fantasy and infatuation is confused with the complexity of intimate relationships and real life. The failure to believe that one is caught in a fantasy drives the process, leading to the false belief that this feeling is sustainable and a rigged comparison with a marital relationship.

The goal of the final communication with the affair partner is to break the cycle of temptation and opportunity by demonstrating a shift in allegiance to the spouse, and dispelling hope that the affair will continue now or in the future. A simple “Dear John or Jane” email is indicated, and should be done with full transparency with one’s spouse. The essential message should be that the affair partner is unwelcome now and that any future attempts to communicate will not get a response. Since this is the point of the email, there is no way to spare Jane from feeling rejected without sabotaging the purpose of the email. Paul’s letter below is an example of good-bye email that effectively delivers the message and functions as a bridge to repair his marriage:

Dear Jane,

I have made a decision. I want to be with my wife and family. I no longer want to continue our relationship or keep any secrets from my wife. Everything is out in the open. I realize now that I used poor judgment in getting involved in this in the first place and am sorry for that. I plan to get help to understand how I could betray my own values as well as my family.

I know this is abrupt but that is the only way. We both knew the risks we were taking. Please respect my decision to no longer have any contact. I will no longer respond to any email, text, calls or other attempts to communicate with me.

Paul

Paul’s email anticipates what might happen. He discourages further reconnection, and sets a firm boundary to pave the way for a clearing for him and his wife.

Many marriages shattered by affairs can be repaired and come out stronger, but they only have a chance once the unfaithful spouse has let go of his attachment to the affair partner. Predicting and planning for risky situations reduces opportunity and temptation, and is a good way to protect oneself from becoming overtaken by feelings and out of control. Defensive strategizing involves being onto oneself, making intentional decisions to set clear boundaries and limits on ourselves, and distancing from behaviors and situations that increase risk.

Alternatively, denying risk, avoiding thoughtful consideration of what’s at stake, minimizing small boundary infractions, or overestimating one’s resolve all set the stage for an eventual crash and the possibility of losing it all.

Who's Happier Post-Divorce: Men or Women?

There are few occasions when it’s easier to play the blame game than after a divorce. And according to a recent survey of 2,000 American men and women by online legal service AVVO, 64 percent of women point the finger at their exes, while only 44 percent of men fault their former spouse.
So why are ladies more likely to give the side-eye to their former hubbies?

 Pepper Schwartz, Ph.D., a noted sexologist and professor of sociology at the University of Washington, told the service that she suspects the numbers reflect deeply ingrained beliefs about traditional gender roles. “It might be that women believe that self-blame is not empowering, and men may feel as though it’s not masculine to blame their wives,” she says.

That’s not all: Women tend to be happier with their divorces than men, according to the survey. While 73 percent of women said they didn’t regret their split, only 61 percent of men could say the same. The vast majority of women (75 percent, in fact) said they’d prefer to be alone, successful, and happy, rather than be unhappy in a relationship, compared to just 58 percent of men.

“Men are more fearful of being on their own once they’ve been domesticated by their marriage, and even though men are more likely to think that marriage is an outdated institution on principle—they’re more likely to want to stay put even if things aren’t so great," says Schwartz. "Women, on the other hand, prize happiness over marriage, and are less fearful of independence generally.”

Unfortunately, AVVO doesn’t share details about how blame differs depending on the cause of the divorce, nor does it offer conclusions about how it gets portioned out when same-sex marriages dissolve. C’mon, folks—inquiring minds want to know!

from: Women's health

Why You're Bored with Your Relationship and How to Turn Things Around

You once sat in a Starbucks for seven hours with this person discussing your hopes, dreams, and GoT fan theories and now you’re…bored? How the eff did this happen? Where did the spark go? And more importantly, will it ever come back?

“Oftentimes I hear from young couples a couple years after the wedding that they feel a little bored, and it’s kind of a let down,” says Rachel A. Sussman, L.C.S.W. and author of The Breakup Bible. “The excitement of dating has passed, the excitement of falling in love has passed, the excitement of the engagement and the wedding has passed, then it gets stale."

Here's what it means if your relationship is giving you the yawns—and how to break out of a rut without breaking up.

Step 1: Stop Worrying
If you two have been together for a while, getting bored at some point is pretty inevitable. Phew. 

Our brains are hardwired to look for the newest, most exciting things, says Sussman. (Hello, why do you think Apple gets away with putting out a new iPhone every year?) We get tired of the same old, same old in every aspect of our life—jobs, fitness routines—and that goes for our relationships, too. “Expect it to happen, notice it, and try to make a change,” says Sussman.

So what do you do? Well, you could break up and flit from relationship to relationship, always ending it once you get bored. Or, if you value your S.O. and want to make it work, proceed with the next two steps. After all, runners don’t quit running, they just find a new path.

Step 2: Figure Out the Root Cause
First, determine if this is mere boredom or something bigger. While this problem is super common, it could also hint at underlying issues. Sussman suggests asking yourself these questions to assess the damage: Are you still having sex? Are you questioning whether or not you’re attracted to this person? Are you on the same page when it comes to family and friendships? Do you argue over finances or work/life balance? Are you questioning if you have anything in common? Do you feel yourself growing apart? If the answer is yes to any of these, then you’ve got more than just a snooze fest on your hands.

"Expect it to happen, notice it, and try to make a change."

 If you're just feeling a little restless, ask yourself if you're also feeling lost in other areas of your life. “You have to have balance, relationships can’t be your everything,” says Sussman. “Make sure you feel stimulated in your job, in your friendships, and in your relationship. If you want to have a stimulating and exciting life, it’s each person’s responsibility.”

If you're feeling pretty solid in other areas of your life, it's time to have an honest discussion with your partner about what you can do to spice things up.

"If you want to have a stimulating and exciting life, it’s each person’s responsibility." 

Step 3: Make a Plan
Now, the fun part. Sussman says she and her husband solved their relationship boredom by planning a vacation together. “Not only did we plan a trip to Italy, we decided to take Italian lessons for the whole six months leading up to it," she says. "We studied together, we quizzed each other, we cooked Italian food on the weekends. So by the time we got on our trip, it was so enhanced because of that.”

Try and pinpoint what part of your relationship is boring you. Is it the lulls in conversation? Hit up a museum or read a book together to get things flowing. Has your sex life become routine? Change things up with naked Sundays. No shared hobbies? Try something new, like running a half-marathon together. Whatever the case, the key is to get out of the ordinary and mix it up.

Most importantly, don’t beat yourself up—this happens. Use it as an opportunity to have fun and learn a thing or two.

12 Reasons Why Women Leave The Men They Love

This article must be a warning to gentlemen. prevent this to happen. Learn frm the video.