Beautiful In White

A Lesson from a Divorced Man

This man is a psychologist (name withheld) who has been through a rough divorce. A few years ago, he wrote an amazing post that beautifully describes the lessons learned through this tough process, and importantly, valuable advice for all married men.


His words remain timeless.
He says,  “After losing a woman that I loved, and a marriage of almost 16 years, here’s the advice I wish I could have had…”


What does he wish he could have had?
Dads, husbands reading this - this advice is solid. This advice is real. And if you think your relationship could do with a breath of fresh air right now, then this is it.


1. Don't be afraid to be vulnerable
Your wife is attracted to and loves your masculinity. But this doesn't mean you should remain stony-faced even when you are tearing up inside. Rogers' advice is  to "be willing to share your fears and feelings, and quick to acknowledge your mistakes." You can't go wrong with this formula.

2. Don't make it all about the cash
Yes, you need money to survive in this mean world. But if you find yourself having more and more arguments with your wife about cash, stop. The advise is to find ways to work with your partner as a team to win the money together. Both of you have strengths, use these in order to win.

3. Grow together

In Rogers' beautiful words: "The stagnant pond breeds malaria, the flowing stream is always fresh and cool. Atrophy is the natural process when you stop working a muscle, just as it is if you stop working on your relationship. Find common goals, dreams and visions to work towards."

4. No skeletons in the closet

The foundation of a good relationship is trust and if you want to have her trust, then you need to open up to her about everything. It takes courage to open up your deepest heart, even as you are not sure that she will like what she hears or sees. Let her see your shades of light and darkness as these imperfections make you perfect in her eyes.

5. Never stop dating her

You might have two kids and 10 years of marriage behind you. But never, ever take your woman for granted - she deserves to be loved, to be cherished as much as the very first day you met her and knew she was the one. She is your treasure - show her this is little ways to remind her of this.

 

6. Find ways to fall in love with her daily

"You will constantly change. You’re not the same people you were when you got married, and in five years you will not be the same person you are today. Change will come, and in that you have to re-choose each other everyday. SHE DOESN’T HAVE TO STAY WITH YOU, and if you don’t take care of her heart, she may give that heart to someone else or seal you out completely, and you may never be able to get it back. Always fight to win her love just as you did when you were courting her."

The truth!

7. Finally, CHOOSE LOVE! 

Ultimately, this is your magic charm, this is the only advice you'll need. As Rogers points out, if this is the guiding principle through which all your choices is governed, there is nothing that will threaten the happiness of your marriage."

Love will always endure.

from: theasianparent.com

The Practice of Saying No Is a Good Thing

Why Saying No in Your Relationship Is a Good Thing.

Many of us hate hearing the word “No.” And many of us don’t like saying it either. You might be especially uncomfortable with saying no to your partner. Often people think that going along with their partner’s requests will be good for their relationship.

Less disagreement equals less conflict, they assume. Some people don’t even get that far. They just have a hard time voicing their opinions or needs altogether.
But saying yes all the time when you don’t really mean it can actually backfire and damage your relationship. For instance, it can build resentment, according to Andrew Wald, LCSW-C, a psychotherapist who works with couples and co-author of Togetherness: Creating and Deepening Sustainable Love. You also may become enmeshed as a couple and less of your own person, he said.

By saying no, you’re creating a boundary. And boundaries are essential for any healthy relationship. Unfortunately, boundaries tend to get a bad rap, Wald said, because they’re viewed as keeping partners away from each other.



But it’s just the opposite. Boundaries help you better understand your partner, know their needs and respond to them – thereby bringing you that much closer.

The reality is that everyone’s needs are different. Wald shared an example from his own 39-year marriage. When they were just newlyweds, Wald’s wife fell off her bike coming around a corner. He jumped off his bike and raced over to her. But before he could help, she put her hand up and told him to stay away. Wald was taken aback and felt rejected.

When they talked about it later that night, his wife explained that she was used to and preferred comforting herself. What Wald thought was a kind gesture felt like an intrusion to his wife. Wald’s wife also prefers being left alone when she’s sick, while he prefers attention and affection. Both of them do their best to honor each other’s different needs.

Remember that you deserve to have your own — and different — opinion and to voice it, Wald said. Articulating a different point of view doesn’t mean you’re asserting that you’re better than your partner; it means you’re not less, he said.

Also, keep in mind that setting a boundary isn’t the same as saying no to your relationship. Rather you’re saying no to a specific idea or event, he said. Speak up when something negatively affects your well-being or sense of self, he said.

Take the example of a husband who wanted to have sex every night. His wife felt horrible about herself, and finally talked about it with her husband. If she hadn’t, she’d continue to feel bad, which would chip away at her self-esteem, Wald said.

It also could be as simple as needing some alone time when you get home from work. Rather than your partner thinking that you’re avoiding them, let them know that you just need 20 minutes to unwind, Wald said.

Saying no is a way of nurturing and empowering yourself, he said. And it encourages your partner to do the same, he said. This also creates good will, he added. Neither partner feels taken advantage of. Also, both partners can focus on practicing good self-care.

It’s important to talk about your boundaries with “love, care and empathy,” Wald said. And only have discussions when you’re both calm. If your conversation is escalating, he suggested taking a time-out and considering how you can improve your talk.

Saying no might seem like taking a negative stance. But it’s actually a good thing for you, your partner and your relationship.

The Five Flirting Styles

The Five Flirting Styles  will help you realize what you can do differently by discovering what you already do well. You will get individualized feedback about your own flirting style from an online inventory, and learn how each style is related to love, sex, personality, and dating.

Here are the five styles:

Physical
Like to flirt without saying a single word? Or do you like to let your body do all the talking to grab the attention of that special someone you have your eye on? Picture this scenario: when you start laughing, your hand naturally goes to touch the other person’s knee. This is a sure fire way to drive that point home that you are super interested without a word passing your lips!

Physical flirting involves the expression of sexual interest through body language. People who scored high in this form of flirting often develop relationships quickly and have more sexual chemistry with their partners.

Polite
The least obvious and is loved by the quietly reserved and the introverted amongst us. There is a downside to being polite though and that is that no one may even notice that you are flirting! However, the upside of polite flirts is that they are often the most genuine, so what’s not to love?!

The polite style of flirting focuses on proper manners and non-sexual communication. While polite flirts are less likely to come on to a potential partner and generally do not find flirting flattering, they tend to have longer, more meaningful romantic relationships.

Playful

People with the playful flirting style flirt with little interest in romance. Flirting is fun and a boost to their self-esteem. They flirt for its own sake – no romantic strings attached.

This method of flirting could be classified as the most controversial. People who use flirting as a tool, rather than actually engaging in flirting because they are interested in someone fall into this category. For example, do you flirt to get your own way or to manipulate a situation? Or perhaps flirting is a means to an end for you? Then you are a playful flirt! Some advice: keep in mind all those hearts you have broken from sending mixed signals, they may come back to haunt you!

Sincere

This is by far the most common type of flirting. Seeing someone from across the room that takes your fancy and you want to break the ice with them by complimenting their style or what newspaper they may be reading is an easy and subtle flirting style. This manner of flirting is a quick route to finding common ground that may lead to emotional ties, which flourish into a relationship. Even if it doesn’t go past a friendship then that’s still a bonus as you can never have too many friends!

Sincere flirting involves creating an intense emotional connection and communicating sincere interest. Sincere flirts have meaningful romantic relationships that put emotional connection first and sexual chemistry second.

Traditional
Traditional flirts believe men should make the first move and women should not pursue men.
By taking a more passive role in dating, women with this style are likely to report trouble getting men’s attention and are less likely to be direct. Likewise, traditional men often know a potential partner for a longer time before approaching them.


In this category, men are much more likely to make the first move while women are happy to sit back and wait for their knight in shining armor to come galloping along on their white horse. Ok, a girl can dream! A good example of where you can see this style of flirting in action is in online dating. Traditional flirting is increasing in popularity and women can sit back and literally take their pick. If traditionalists are your style, then it is important to have an appealing profile picture to entice them to make their move!