Desert Moon

When You Love Someone (MTV Unplugged Version)

When you love someone

You'll do anything
You'll do all the crazy things
That you can't explain
You'll shoot the moon
Put out the sun

When you love someone
You'll deny the truth
Believe a lie
There'll be times that you'll believe
That you could really fly
But your lonely nights
Have just begun

When you love someone
When you love someone
You'll feel it deep inside
And nothin' else
Could ever change your mind
When you want someone
When you need someone

When you love someone
When you love someone
You'll sacrifice
Give it everything you got
And you won't think twice
You'd risk it all
No matter what may come
When you love someone, yeah
You'll shoot the moon
Put out the sun

When you love someone

O Sole Mio ("It's Now or Never")

"'O sole mio" is a famous Naples song written in 1898. The lyrics were written by Giovanni Capurro and the music was composed by Eduardo di Capua.
It has been performed and covered by many artists as Enrico Caruso, Beniamino Gigli, Mario Lanza and The Three Tenors. It has also been performed by rock/pop artists such as Dalida, Anna Oxa, Bryan Adams, Me First, Vitas Al Bano, Elvis Presley ("It's Now or Never").
Luciano Pavarotti won the 1980 Grammy Award for Best Classical Vocal Performance for his rendition of "'O Sole Mio."

From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Lyrics:

                 

Neapolitan lyrics Che bella cosa e` na giornata 'e sole n'aria serena dopo na tempesta! Pe' ll'aria fresca pare già na festa Che bella cosa e` na giornata 'e sole. Ma n'atu sole, cchiù bello, oje ne' 'O sole mio sta 'nfronte a te! 'O sole, 'o sole mio, sta 'nfronte a te! sta 'nfronte a te! Quanno fa notte e 'o sole se ne scenne, me vene quase 'na malincunia; sotto 'a finestra toia restarria quanno fa notte e 'o sole se ne scenne. Ma n'atu sole, cchiù bello, oje ne' 'O sole mio sta 'nfronte a te! 'O sole, 'o sole mio sta 'nfronte a te! sta 'nfronte a te!

English translation  Sun that's upon your face! The sun, my own sun, It's upon your face! It's upon your face! When night comes and the sun has gone down, I almost start feeling melancholy; I'd stay below your window When night comes and the sun has gone down. But another sun, that's brighter still, It's my own sun that's upon your face! The sun, my own sun, It's upon your face! It's upon your face!

The Fork - A Nice Wedding Love story

ALWAYS IN MY HEART - (Lyrics)

Beautiful In White

A Lesson from a Divorced Man

This man is a psychologist (name withheld) who has been through a rough divorce. A few years ago, he wrote an amazing post that beautifully describes the lessons learned through this tough process, and importantly, valuable advice for all married men.


His words remain timeless.
He says,  “After losing a woman that I loved, and a marriage of almost 16 years, here’s the advice I wish I could have had…”


What does he wish he could have had?
Dads, husbands reading this - this advice is solid. This advice is real. And if you think your relationship could do with a breath of fresh air right now, then this is it.


1. Don't be afraid to be vulnerable
Your wife is attracted to and loves your masculinity. But this doesn't mean you should remain stony-faced even when you are tearing up inside. Rogers' advice is  to "be willing to share your fears and feelings, and quick to acknowledge your mistakes." You can't go wrong with this formula.

2. Don't make it all about the cash
Yes, you need money to survive in this mean world. But if you find yourself having more and more arguments with your wife about cash, stop. The advise is to find ways to work with your partner as a team to win the money together. Both of you have strengths, use these in order to win.

3. Grow together

In Rogers' beautiful words: "The stagnant pond breeds malaria, the flowing stream is always fresh and cool. Atrophy is the natural process when you stop working a muscle, just as it is if you stop working on your relationship. Find common goals, dreams and visions to work towards."

4. No skeletons in the closet

The foundation of a good relationship is trust and if you want to have her trust, then you need to open up to her about everything. It takes courage to open up your deepest heart, even as you are not sure that she will like what she hears or sees. Let her see your shades of light and darkness as these imperfections make you perfect in her eyes.

5. Never stop dating her

You might have two kids and 10 years of marriage behind you. But never, ever take your woman for granted - she deserves to be loved, to be cherished as much as the very first day you met her and knew she was the one. She is your treasure - show her this is little ways to remind her of this.

 

6. Find ways to fall in love with her daily

"You will constantly change. You’re not the same people you were when you got married, and in five years you will not be the same person you are today. Change will come, and in that you have to re-choose each other everyday. SHE DOESN’T HAVE TO STAY WITH YOU, and if you don’t take care of her heart, she may give that heart to someone else or seal you out completely, and you may never be able to get it back. Always fight to win her love just as you did when you were courting her."

The truth!

7. Finally, CHOOSE LOVE! 

Ultimately, this is your magic charm, this is the only advice you'll need. As Rogers points out, if this is the guiding principle through which all your choices is governed, there is nothing that will threaten the happiness of your marriage."

Love will always endure.

from: theasianparent.com

The Practice of Saying No Is a Good Thing

Why Saying No in Your Relationship Is a Good Thing.

Many of us hate hearing the word “No.” And many of us don’t like saying it either. You might be especially uncomfortable with saying no to your partner. Often people think that going along with their partner’s requests will be good for their relationship.

Less disagreement equals less conflict, they assume. Some people don’t even get that far. They just have a hard time voicing their opinions or needs altogether.
But saying yes all the time when you don’t really mean it can actually backfire and damage your relationship. For instance, it can build resentment, according to Andrew Wald, LCSW-C, a psychotherapist who works with couples and co-author of Togetherness: Creating and Deepening Sustainable Love. You also may become enmeshed as a couple and less of your own person, he said.

By saying no, you’re creating a boundary. And boundaries are essential for any healthy relationship. Unfortunately, boundaries tend to get a bad rap, Wald said, because they’re viewed as keeping partners away from each other.



But it’s just the opposite. Boundaries help you better understand your partner, know their needs and respond to them – thereby bringing you that much closer.

The reality is that everyone’s needs are different. Wald shared an example from his own 39-year marriage. When they were just newlyweds, Wald’s wife fell off her bike coming around a corner. He jumped off his bike and raced over to her. But before he could help, she put her hand up and told him to stay away. Wald was taken aback and felt rejected.

When they talked about it later that night, his wife explained that she was used to and preferred comforting herself. What Wald thought was a kind gesture felt like an intrusion to his wife. Wald’s wife also prefers being left alone when she’s sick, while he prefers attention and affection. Both of them do their best to honor each other’s different needs.

Remember that you deserve to have your own — and different — opinion and to voice it, Wald said. Articulating a different point of view doesn’t mean you’re asserting that you’re better than your partner; it means you’re not less, he said.

Also, keep in mind that setting a boundary isn’t the same as saying no to your relationship. Rather you’re saying no to a specific idea or event, he said. Speak up when something negatively affects your well-being or sense of self, he said.

Take the example of a husband who wanted to have sex every night. His wife felt horrible about herself, and finally talked about it with her husband. If she hadn’t, she’d continue to feel bad, which would chip away at her self-esteem, Wald said.

It also could be as simple as needing some alone time when you get home from work. Rather than your partner thinking that you’re avoiding them, let them know that you just need 20 minutes to unwind, Wald said.

Saying no is a way of nurturing and empowering yourself, he said. And it encourages your partner to do the same, he said. This also creates good will, he added. Neither partner feels taken advantage of. Also, both partners can focus on practicing good self-care.

It’s important to talk about your boundaries with “love, care and empathy,” Wald said. And only have discussions when you’re both calm. If your conversation is escalating, he suggested taking a time-out and considering how you can improve your talk.

Saying no might seem like taking a negative stance. But it’s actually a good thing for you, your partner and your relationship.

The Five Flirting Styles

The Five Flirting Styles  will help you realize what you can do differently by discovering what you already do well. You will get individualized feedback about your own flirting style from an online inventory, and learn how each style is related to love, sex, personality, and dating.

Here are the five styles:

Physical
Like to flirt without saying a single word? Or do you like to let your body do all the talking to grab the attention of that special someone you have your eye on? Picture this scenario: when you start laughing, your hand naturally goes to touch the other person’s knee. This is a sure fire way to drive that point home that you are super interested without a word passing your lips!

Physical flirting involves the expression of sexual interest through body language. People who scored high in this form of flirting often develop relationships quickly and have more sexual chemistry with their partners.

Polite
The least obvious and is loved by the quietly reserved and the introverted amongst us. There is a downside to being polite though and that is that no one may even notice that you are flirting! However, the upside of polite flirts is that they are often the most genuine, so what’s not to love?!

The polite style of flirting focuses on proper manners and non-sexual communication. While polite flirts are less likely to come on to a potential partner and generally do not find flirting flattering, they tend to have longer, more meaningful romantic relationships.

Playful

People with the playful flirting style flirt with little interest in romance. Flirting is fun and a boost to their self-esteem. They flirt for its own sake – no romantic strings attached.

This method of flirting could be classified as the most controversial. People who use flirting as a tool, rather than actually engaging in flirting because they are interested in someone fall into this category. For example, do you flirt to get your own way or to manipulate a situation? Or perhaps flirting is a means to an end for you? Then you are a playful flirt! Some advice: keep in mind all those hearts you have broken from sending mixed signals, they may come back to haunt you!

Sincere

This is by far the most common type of flirting. Seeing someone from across the room that takes your fancy and you want to break the ice with them by complimenting their style or what newspaper they may be reading is an easy and subtle flirting style. This manner of flirting is a quick route to finding common ground that may lead to emotional ties, which flourish into a relationship. Even if it doesn’t go past a friendship then that’s still a bonus as you can never have too many friends!

Sincere flirting involves creating an intense emotional connection and communicating sincere interest. Sincere flirts have meaningful romantic relationships that put emotional connection first and sexual chemistry second.

Traditional
Traditional flirts believe men should make the first move and women should not pursue men.
By taking a more passive role in dating, women with this style are likely to report trouble getting men’s attention and are less likely to be direct. Likewise, traditional men often know a potential partner for a longer time before approaching them.


In this category, men are much more likely to make the first move while women are happy to sit back and wait for their knight in shining armor to come galloping along on their white horse. Ok, a girl can dream! A good example of where you can see this style of flirting in action is in online dating. Traditional flirting is increasing in popularity and women can sit back and literally take their pick. If traditionalists are your style, then it is important to have an appealing profile picture to entice them to make their move!

The Rose (song)

"The Rose" is a classic pop song written by Amanda McBroom and made famous by Bette Midler who recorded it for the soundtrack of the 1979 film The Rose in which it plays under the closing credits.

"The Rose"

Some say love, it is a river

That drowns the tender reed.

Some say love, it is a razor

That leaves your soul to bleed.

Some say love, it is a hunger,

An endless aching need.

I say love, it is a flower,

And you its only seed.

It's the heart afraid of breaking

That never learns to dance.

It's the dream afraid of waking

That never takes the chance.

It's the one who won't be taken,

Who cannot seem to give,

And the soul afraid of dyin'

That never learns to live.

When the night has been too lonely

And the road has been too long,

And you think that love is only

For the lucky and the strong,

Just remember in the winter

Far beneath the bitter snows

Lies the seed that with the sun's love

In the spring becomes the rose.

 
"The Rose" was first recorded by Bette Midler for the soundtrack of the 1979 film The Rose in which it plays under the closing credits. However the song was not written for the movie: Amanda McBroom recalls, "I wrote it in 1977 [or] 1978, and I sang it occasionally in clubs. ... Jim Nabors had a local talk show, and I sang ["The Rose"] on his show once."

 According to McBroom she wrote "The Rose" in response to her manager's suggestion that she write "some Bob Seger-type tunes" to expedite a record deal: McBroom obliged by writing "The Rose" in forty-five minutes. Said McBroom: "'The Rose' is ... just one verse [musically] repeated three times. When I finished it, I realized it doesn't have a bridge or a hook, but I couldn't think of anything to [add]."

McBroom's composition was one of seven songs selected by Midler from thirty song possibilities proffered by Paul A. Rothchild, the producer of The Rose soundtrack album. Reportedly Rothchild had listened to over 3,000 songs in order to assemble those thirty possibilities.

Released as the second single from the The Rose soundtrack album, "The Rose" hit number 1 on the Cashbox Top 100 and peaked at number 3 on the Billboard Hot 100 chart. Additionally, it was number 1 on the Adult Contemporary chart for five weeks running. The single was certified Gold by the RIAA for over a million copies sold in the United States.

Midler won the Grammy Award for Best Female Pop Vocal Performance for "The Rose", beating out formidable competition from Barbra Streisand and Donna Summer among others.

There are two mixes of the song. The single mix features orchestration, while the version in the film (and on its soundtrack) includes an extended introduction while doing away with the orchestration in favor of piano-and-vocals only.

"The Rose" did not receive a nomination for the Academy Award for Best Original Song. Despite not having been recorded prior to the soundtrack of the film The Rose, the song had not been written for the film. According to McBroom, AMPAS inquired of her if the song had been written for the movie, and McBroom answered honestly (that it had not). McBroom did however win the Golden Globe Award for Best Original Song for "The Rose", as that award's governing body, the Hollywood Foreign Press Association (HFPA), does not share AMPAS' official meticulousness over a nominated song's being completely original with its parent film.

Let Her Go

Well, you only need the light when it's burning low,
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow,
Only know you love her when you let her go.
Only know you've been high when you're feeling low
Only hate the road when you're missing home
Only know you love her when you let her go...
And you let her go.

Staring at the bottom of your glass
Hoping one day you'll make a dream last
But dreams come slow, and they go so fast
You see her when you close your eyes
Maybe one day you'll understand why
Everything you touch surely dies
But you only need the light when it's burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go
Only know you've been high when you're feeling low
Only hate the road when you're missing home
Only know you love her when you let her go
Staring at the ceiling in the dark
Same old empty feeling in your heart
'Cause love comes slow, and it goes so fast

Well you see her when you fall asleep
But never to touch and never to keep
Cause you loved her too much, and you dived too deep

Well you only need the light when it's burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go

Only know you've been high when you're feeling low
Only hate the road when you're missing home
Only know you love her when you let her go
And you let her go ooooh ooooh oh no

And you let her go
ooooh ooooh oh no

Well you let her go

ooooh ooooh oh no

Cause you only need the light when it's burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go

Only know you've been high when you're feeling low
Only hate the road when you're missing home
Only know you love her when you let her go

Cause you only need the light when it's burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go

Only know you've been high when you're feeling low
Only hate the road when you're missing home
Only know you love her when you let her go

And you let her go

True Feelings of Love..

It is best to understand how you feel and understand it. The true ways of Love is what you do everyday and little things that you show you care. I think a lot of people don’t understand what true Love is . Anyone can offer things like flowers, candies and buy you jewelries. But these do not give its true meaning.

 The truly romantic things in life are those little things you do every day to show you care, and that you’re thinking of them. It’s going out of your way to make them happy. The way you hold her hand when you know she’s scared, or you save the last piece of cake for him. The random text or call in the middle of the day, just to say “I love you” or “I miss you”. 

The way he stops to kiss you when he passes by. It’s dedicating her favorite song to her, and letting her eat your fries; telling her she’s beautiful. It’s putting your favorite show on pause so she can tell you about her day, and laughing at his jokes, even the really lame ones. It’s slow dancing in the kitchen and kissing in the rain. True love is romantic. True love  isn’t about buying, it’s about giving. True romance is in gestures. – Unknown

When Is the Right Time to Reveal Your Secret?

Your rule of thumb should be this:

If it still impacts your life today -  a felony conviction, a sexually transmitted disease, a history of cheating, or 42 children by 82 different women - then the person you’re dating needs to know about it pretty soon. They have the right to make a decision based on whether or not this is something they want to deal with.  

Now, if you were smoking some dope and drinking on the weekends back in college and have no current drug or alcohol issues, then there’s no story to tell, other than you were an idiot in college. The information you need to provide should have a direct bearing on your life today (and therefore, the other person’s life as well by virtue of him or her being in a relationship with you).

If you do choose to reveal something minor about your past, you have got to do it slowly and not reveal too much too soon. The other person may not know you well enough to put it into context. Also, be prepared to reciprocate. You’re not the only one with stuff. Every human being has stuff. If they match your revelation with one of theirs, make it an opportunity to give the very thing you hope to get, which is kindness, compassion, and understanding. That doesn’t mean you have to date them or that they have to date you. The information might be a deal-breaker.

Finally, if you lay a bomb on somebody, you’d better give them the time they need to digest it. If they decide it’s not something they want to deal with, then you have to respect that.

Credit: Dr Laura.com

Sex Schedule Increases Excitement : How To Do Scheduling The Right Way

On the agenda: Meeting with the boss at 3:30 p.m., yoga at 6 p.m., dinner at 7 p.m., and, oh look, you’ll be doing it at 9:40 p.m.

Scheduled sex might just sound like another pop-up notification on your Google calendar to get through, but most sexperts stand strongly behind it: “It's notspontaneous, but it’s more likely to happen," says Dr Terri Orbuch, relationship expert and author of 5 Simple Steps to Take Your Marriage From Good to Great.

And it doesn’t mean the sex is less satisfying, fun, or intimate, says Orbuch. One fan of the practice says that if she and her partner didn't plan ahead, getting down just wouldn't happen. “My boyfriend works in consulting and travels four days a week, so I know that night he comes back, we’re getting after it," says 29-year-old Dani C. "If it wasn’t a date, we’d probably both just pass out from exhaustion.”

Want to plan like a pro? “It doesn't have to be about settling on missionary every Wednesday at 8:05 p.m.," says sex therapist Kat Van Kirk, Ph.D., author of The Married Sex Solution. "It's all about prioritizing sex so you find those five, 10, or 20 minute opportunities to get frisky the way you used to."

That being said, there are certain times your libidos are more likely to be in sync. Check ‘em out:

In the A.M.
Rise and grind, baby. “Testosterone is higher for both men and women in the morning, so if you can set your alarm clock 20 minutes earlier or jump into the shower together, you should be primed and ready to go,” says Van Kirk. And that extra rush of endorphins might be the magic you need to plow through a crummy work commute.


After the Gym
Odds are you’re feeling damn good about your body after sweating it out, and that cardio or resistance training has given your testosterone levels a boost again. (Maybe this is where the whole sex-with-my-trainer-fantasy comes from?) Research even shows that working out can fire up your desire to get down. One study from the University of Texas at Austin found that when women cycled for 20 minutes and then watched an X-rated film, there was a serious boost in blood flow to their genitals from the exercise—pretty awesome orgasm fodder.

From 7 to 9 p.m.
Lots of us are partial to an afternoon delight, but are we really going to scamper out of work for a quickie at 2 p.m? Nah. But, according to the National Sleep Foundation, a quarter of us skip sex because we’re too tired, so forget about waiting until you’re both bleary-eyed in bed.

Instead, your best bet is to get after it during a Bachelorette commercial break. “Maybe it’s just oral and a make out or a 10-minute quickie—it still counts,” says Van Kirk. So go ahead and pencil in that P in V time.

from Women's Health

The Difference Between Sex and Love for Men

As a woman with my own personal history of serial monogamy, I have come to realize that some men channel their need for love, intimacy, soothing, care, and comfort into sexual desire.

Here are some examples:

Dylan wants sex when he feels sad because he likes the comfort the physical holding provides. Dylan, like most people, wants to be held when he is sad. In fact, the need to be held when we feel sad is biologically programmed into our brains.

Jonathan wants sex when he’s lonely. He believes it is weak to let someone know that he feels lonely and wants company. Alternatively, he thinks it is acceptable to find and ask for sex, which satisfies his need for human connection.

Sexual excitement is a core emotion. And, as we know from research on emotions, each core emotion has a “program” that has evolved over thousands of years for survival purposes. This “program” causes specific physical sensations and impulses to arise inside us at the moment when a particular emotion is triggered.

Sexual excitement is often physically felt as sensations in the groin area with an impulse to seek orgasmic release. Sadness, anxiety, loneliness, anger, and fear are other emotions that can combine with sexual excitement. The mashup of the tender emotions with sexual excitement is the brilliant way the mind can make sure core human needs are met in consciously covert yet culturally acceptable ways.

Mental health is improved by being in touch with the full range of our core emotions. Therefore, it is in our best interest to know which core emotions are present and driving our desire for sex. Is it pure sexual excitement? Is it a need for comfort? Is it a need for connection?

Knowing the culture of masculinity we live in, it should not come as a surprise that some men feel they have to sublimate tender and “needy” feelings into sexual desire. In the documentary “The Mask We Live In,” filmmaker Jennifer Siebel Newsom follows boys and young men as they struggle to stay true to their authentic selves while negotiating America’s narrow definition of masculinity. If men and boys could own the full range of their emotions, not just anger and sexual excitement, we would see trends in depression  and anxiety decrease.

Here’s why:

When we block our core emotions (sadness, fear, anger) and needs for intimacy (love, companionship, sharing of feelings, closeness) men and women develop symptoms including anxiety, shame, and depression. Symptoms go away when we become reacquainted with our core emotions.

This first step to wellness comes from understanding that it is normal for both men and women to experience sadness, fear, love, anger, and longing for connection both sexual and through talking about our thoughts and feelings with each other. Needs for affection and love are as “masculine” as needs for strength, power, and ambition. Emotions are not for the weak, they are for the human.

Although things are slowly changing, the two main emotions that are most acceptable for men to display are still sexual excitement and anger. The more tender emotions including fear, sadness, love, need, and longing are still considered “unmanly” to express. So it is not surprising that the tender emotions, which have to be expressed in some way, get bound to sexuality. In fact, channeling needs for comfort and soothing into sex is actually a clever compromise. After all, during sex men can unabashedly get held, stroked, kissed, hugged, and loved up all under the acceptable guise of a very manly act — that of sexual prowess. But we can do better by helping to change the culture of masculinity so it is in sync with our biology.

Top Five Things Men and Women Can Do for Men

1. Educate and normalize the scientific fact that we all have the same universal core emotions: sadness, fear, anger, disgust, joy, excitement, and sexual excitement.
2. Inform the men in your life that the need to connect with others and share one’s true feelings and thoughts is normal for all humans, and not specific to sex and gender.
3. Invite the men in your life to share their feelings and thoughts (especially the ones they are ashamed about) while also stressing the point that you will not judge them as weak or feminine for sharing vulnerabilities.
4. Know that humans are complex creatures. We all have weak and strong parts. It’s important to hold all aspects of us simultaneously. That’s the way people feel whole and complete.

 Source : Psychcentral.com

How to Close the Door After an Affair

Temptation mixed with opportunity is a recipe for people to stray — especially during difficult or lonely times in a marriage. Those times can include the aftermath of an affair.

An affair that is suddenly exposed or ends poses a particular risk situation for a vulnerable marriage with an unfaithful spouse. Feelings of loss, conflict and pressure can make it difficult to let go of the illicit relationship, compounding the lure that led to the affair in the first place.

Effectively establishing closure with the affair partner — including ceasing all contact — helps guard against relapse and is an important beginning gesture toward restoring trust in the marriage. This is not the time to rely on good intentions and discipline alone.

Affairs happen in up to 45 percent of marriages. Although often overlooked and underestimated, opportunity is a primary risk factor. Opportunity poses the most danger when people:

• are not onto themselves and fail to accurately assess their vulnerability to acting on temptation;
• fail to consciously register the potential affair partner’s intentions;
• do not make an explicit decision, or plan, to protect themselves from acting out.

Taking steps to remove temptation and close the door securely protects the unfaithful spouse from continued secret contact during the chaotic transition out of the affair relationship. The unfaithful spouse not only feels guilty about having the affair, but often feels torn and guilty about ending the affair relationship. During the goodbye process, he or she is prone to give the affair partner mixed signals, even if unconsciously.

The email below was written by Michael to the “other woman” after he was found out by his wife. See if you can find the problems in this goodbye email intended to finalize the affair.

 Dear Jane,

I am sorry but I can’t see you anymore right now. The worst has happened. My wife found out about us and forbids me to have any more contact with you. I wish things could be different and that you and I could be together.

I hope you can understand that I have to try to see if my marriage can work for my kids. I know I can’t ask you to wait for me though, but who knows what the future will bring? I will always love you and will hold you in my heart.
If you want to talk, I can try to make that happen so we can say goodbye in person.

Love always,
Michael

Michael fell into all the common traps: blaming his wife instead of owning his decision; expressing longing; wavering; feeding the attachment; failing to align himself with his wife; failing to set a boundary around his marriage; offering hope and leaving the door open for continued cheating.

These pitfalls not only risk Michael’s chances of restoring his marriage, but also lead Jane on, making it harder for her to let go and recover. Jane predictably read between the lines, searching for hope and encouragement — and affirmation that this farewell message was for not for real.

Jane identified the following traps:

• Can’t– doesn’t take responsibility and own his decision
• Right now– implies hope for the future
• The worst has happened– reinforces this is not what he wants
• My wife forbids– blames wife, fails to take responsibility and doesn’t own the ending as his decision
• I wish …– reinforces desire
• For my kids– fails to show shift in allegiance to his wife
• Wait for me…who knows what the future– offers hope
• I will always love you…– feeding the attachment
• Talk…in person – opens the door to temptation and likely acting out

In ending an affair, the unfaithful spouse often suffers grief, feelings of loss and preoccupation with the affair partner. These feelings may need to be processed in the context of therapy where the function and meaning of the affair can be understood, rather than acted upon. Successful endings of affairs typically do not involve processing feelings with the affair partner because the likelihood of doing so will further intensify the attachment and lead to re-engagement. If there is something else that needs to be said, it should be with the spouse’s full awareness and consent.

People who have difficulty emotionally letting go of the affair partner even after having cut off contact usually are continuing the relationship in their minds through remembering and fantasizing. Fantasy provides the fuel for affairs — leading up to them, perpetuating them, and then making it difficult to back away or let go. Swept away by the addictive, intoxicating power of the “rush,” romantic fantasy and infatuation is confused with the complexity of intimate relationships and real life. The failure to believe that one is caught in a fantasy drives the process, leading to the false belief that this feeling is sustainable and a rigged comparison with a marital relationship.

The goal of the final communication with the affair partner is to break the cycle of temptation and opportunity by demonstrating a shift in allegiance to the spouse, and dispelling hope that the affair will continue now or in the future. A simple “Dear John or Jane” email is indicated, and should be done with full transparency with one’s spouse. The essential message should be that the affair partner is unwelcome now and that any future attempts to communicate will not get a response. Since this is the point of the email, there is no way to spare Jane from feeling rejected without sabotaging the purpose of the email. Paul’s letter below is an example of good-bye email that effectively delivers the message and functions as a bridge to repair his marriage:

Dear Jane,

I have made a decision. I want to be with my wife and family. I no longer want to continue our relationship or keep any secrets from my wife. Everything is out in the open. I realize now that I used poor judgment in getting involved in this in the first place and am sorry for that. I plan to get help to understand how I could betray my own values as well as my family.

I know this is abrupt but that is the only way. We both knew the risks we were taking. Please respect my decision to no longer have any contact. I will no longer respond to any email, text, calls or other attempts to communicate with me.

Paul

Paul’s email anticipates what might happen. He discourages further reconnection, and sets a firm boundary to pave the way for a clearing for him and his wife.

Many marriages shattered by affairs can be repaired and come out stronger, but they only have a chance once the unfaithful spouse has let go of his attachment to the affair partner. Predicting and planning for risky situations reduces opportunity and temptation, and is a good way to protect oneself from becoming overtaken by feelings and out of control. Defensive strategizing involves being onto oneself, making intentional decisions to set clear boundaries and limits on ourselves, and distancing from behaviors and situations that increase risk.

Alternatively, denying risk, avoiding thoughtful consideration of what’s at stake, minimizing small boundary infractions, or overestimating one’s resolve all set the stage for an eventual crash and the possibility of losing it all.

Who's Happier Post-Divorce: Men or Women?

There are few occasions when it’s easier to play the blame game than after a divorce. And according to a recent survey of 2,000 American men and women by online legal service AVVO, 64 percent of women point the finger at their exes, while only 44 percent of men fault their former spouse.
So why are ladies more likely to give the side-eye to their former hubbies?

 Pepper Schwartz, Ph.D., a noted sexologist and professor of sociology at the University of Washington, told the service that she suspects the numbers reflect deeply ingrained beliefs about traditional gender roles. “It might be that women believe that self-blame is not empowering, and men may feel as though it’s not masculine to blame their wives,” she says.

That’s not all: Women tend to be happier with their divorces than men, according to the survey. While 73 percent of women said they didn’t regret their split, only 61 percent of men could say the same. The vast majority of women (75 percent, in fact) said they’d prefer to be alone, successful, and happy, rather than be unhappy in a relationship, compared to just 58 percent of men.

“Men are more fearful of being on their own once they’ve been domesticated by their marriage, and even though men are more likely to think that marriage is an outdated institution on principle—they’re more likely to want to stay put even if things aren’t so great," says Schwartz. "Women, on the other hand, prize happiness over marriage, and are less fearful of independence generally.”

Unfortunately, AVVO doesn’t share details about how blame differs depending on the cause of the divorce, nor does it offer conclusions about how it gets portioned out when same-sex marriages dissolve. C’mon, folks—inquiring minds want to know!

from: Women's health

Why You're Bored with Your Relationship and How to Turn Things Around

You once sat in a Starbucks for seven hours with this person discussing your hopes, dreams, and GoT fan theories and now you’re…bored? How the eff did this happen? Where did the spark go? And more importantly, will it ever come back?

“Oftentimes I hear from young couples a couple years after the wedding that they feel a little bored, and it’s kind of a let down,” says Rachel A. Sussman, L.C.S.W. and author of The Breakup Bible. “The excitement of dating has passed, the excitement of falling in love has passed, the excitement of the engagement and the wedding has passed, then it gets stale."

Here's what it means if your relationship is giving you the yawns—and how to break out of a rut without breaking up.

Step 1: Stop Worrying
If you two have been together for a while, getting bored at some point is pretty inevitable. Phew. 

Our brains are hardwired to look for the newest, most exciting things, says Sussman. (Hello, why do you think Apple gets away with putting out a new iPhone every year?) We get tired of the same old, same old in every aspect of our life—jobs, fitness routines—and that goes for our relationships, too. “Expect it to happen, notice it, and try to make a change,” says Sussman.

So what do you do? Well, you could break up and flit from relationship to relationship, always ending it once you get bored. Or, if you value your S.O. and want to make it work, proceed with the next two steps. After all, runners don’t quit running, they just find a new path.

Step 2: Figure Out the Root Cause
First, determine if this is mere boredom or something bigger. While this problem is super common, it could also hint at underlying issues. Sussman suggests asking yourself these questions to assess the damage: Are you still having sex? Are you questioning whether or not you’re attracted to this person? Are you on the same page when it comes to family and friendships? Do you argue over finances or work/life balance? Are you questioning if you have anything in common? Do you feel yourself growing apart? If the answer is yes to any of these, then you’ve got more than just a snooze fest on your hands.

"Expect it to happen, notice it, and try to make a change."

 If you're just feeling a little restless, ask yourself if you're also feeling lost in other areas of your life. “You have to have balance, relationships can’t be your everything,” says Sussman. “Make sure you feel stimulated in your job, in your friendships, and in your relationship. If you want to have a stimulating and exciting life, it’s each person’s responsibility.”

If you're feeling pretty solid in other areas of your life, it's time to have an honest discussion with your partner about what you can do to spice things up.

"If you want to have a stimulating and exciting life, it’s each person’s responsibility." 

Step 3: Make a Plan
Now, the fun part. Sussman says she and her husband solved their relationship boredom by planning a vacation together. “Not only did we plan a trip to Italy, we decided to take Italian lessons for the whole six months leading up to it," she says. "We studied together, we quizzed each other, we cooked Italian food on the weekends. So by the time we got on our trip, it was so enhanced because of that.”

Try and pinpoint what part of your relationship is boring you. Is it the lulls in conversation? Hit up a museum or read a book together to get things flowing. Has your sex life become routine? Change things up with naked Sundays. No shared hobbies? Try something new, like running a half-marathon together. Whatever the case, the key is to get out of the ordinary and mix it up.

Most importantly, don’t beat yourself up—this happens. Use it as an opportunity to have fun and learn a thing or two.